Ten Golden Rules for Twitter (that they are absolutely no use to anyone)

These rules won’t get you more followers. So there is absolutely no reason to continue reading.

1) I only follow people who I like. If I want to follow what you say but I don’t like you, I ‘ll put you in a (private) list. And I ‘ll probably lose interest very quickly.

2) No text speak. If you can’t say it in 140 characters, you are doing something wrong. I do have shortcuts I consider acceptable (“&” instead of “and”, “v” instead of “very”) but I won’t use numeric symbols unless I would use them in a normal written sentence. I don’t use long tweets either. It’s 140 characters for a reason (mainly to make you edit it a few times)

3) I don’t tweet about frustrations at work or problems with friends, lovers, family. I know some people do, and it’s fine by me, but twitter is like being in a party: you know some, you don’t know most, & I ‘ll try not bore people with my troubles. Unless I am sloshed. See rule number 5.

4) But I will tweet about frustrations with public transport. This is what twitter was invented for.

5) I don’t tweet when I am drunk. At least not when I am sloshed. But other people’s drunken tweets at 2am on a Saturday night (or rather Sunday morning) are very amusing. Especially Russell Tovey’s.

6) I don’t do Follow Fridays and don’t thank the people who include me in their Follow Fridays. The former because I don’t think they work, the latter because I am basically rude.

7) I don’t tweet during tv drama. I ‘ll tweet through any other tv programmes.

8) I still mourn the old Retweet functionality, when tweets appeared from your account.

9) I block all spam accounts religiously.

10) There is no tenth rule. But I am surprised you made it that far.

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